So I’ve got a little free time and want to try something new to wrap up 2012. With this being my first year critiquing films via the Internet, there were a lot of movies that came out that while I saw them, I didn’t always have the time to write up a full review. To try now would take too long so instead I’m going to review every major 2012 film-with a single sentence.
The Devil Inside
This proved the whole “demonic possession” subgenre needs to go away for a long time.
Not terrible but Mark Whalberg showed us this year that he can be more interesting when he isn’t trying to be so serious.
Hopefully this will put an end to MMA fighters from trying to become actors.
George Lucas just doesn’t have it anymore.
What looks like a fairly predictable survival flick turned out to have some pretty interesting themes and an emotional ending.
I sincerely doubt anybody could make a better “found footage” film.
The Woman in Black
It’s going to take more than this for me to stop thinking “Harry Potter” whenever Daniel Radcliffe is onscreen.
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
The Rock just needs to go back to pro wrestling.
Proved that Denzel Washington can make for a hell of a villain.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D
The fact that this made a single dollar proves we are just stupid.
Ghost Rider: Sprit of Vengeance
Why are these still being made and why does Nicholas Cage still have a job?
This Means War
In a word- stupid.
Not bad for a lesser known Dr. Seuss project, but nothing special.
The most fun you’ll have at a party unless you go to an actual party.
It’s funny that the story that most of science fiction is based off of today can’t get it’s own movie right.
21 Jump Street
Skinny Jonah Hill is just as funny as Fat Jonah Hill.
Casa de Mi Padre
Not Will Ferrell’s best, but pretty clever.
The Hunger Games
Somewhere in that shaky cam is potential for the other two movies to be good.
Remember how this was supposed to be the good Snow White adaptation?
Wrath of the Titans
There was a sincere lack in releasing of the Kraken.
Of all the movies to be repacked in 3D and rereleased, I can’t blame them for this one.
Apparently in all that time from American Wedding to now nobody could come up with new jokes.
The Cabin in the Woods
Never before has a film been able to encompass an entire genre, kick it’s ass, then leave it’s audience’s jaws on the floor in the third act.
The Three Stooges
Just freaking awful.
The Lucky One
Maybe this will finally end the terrible career of Zac Efron.
Think Like a Man
I feel like this should’ve offended somebody.
Interesting concept but the end result was very underwhelming.
An incredible project that sets a new standard for superhero movies and I still cannot believe it worked.
I’m going to start using this to describe every Tim Burton movie after Sweeny Todd- Meh.
All the insults of Borat without the lawsuits!
Who the hell thought this would be a good idea?
Skip this and go watch Cabin in the Woods again.
Men in Black 3
Not as bad as the second one, but still mediocre.
Never been a fan of Wes Anderson, but this is still pretty funny.
Snow White and the Huntsman
Maybe Charlize Theron could teach Kristen Stewart how to not suck?
The title of this film should’ve really been “We just don’t care now give us your money”
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
Ra da da da da da da da circus
Da da da da da da da da afro
Circus afro circus afro
Look at that, look at that, look at that afro.
Ridley Scott couldn’t decide if it was a prequel or not, so he made it nonsensical instead.
Safety Not Guaranteed
What looks like an interesting indie sci-fi turns into an average indie-romantic film.
Rock of Ages
If you love hair bands, you’ll have fun with this movie.
That’s My Boy
What the hell happened to Adam Sandler?
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
This movie took itself really seriously for it’s own title being a joke.
It tried to do something different, but couldn’t live up to Pixar standards.
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
Steve Carell only does two kinds of comedies and this isn’t the funny one.
Madea’s Witness Protection
The day Tyler Perry stops making money off Madea is the day humanity wins.
I guess it’s only fair for girls to get this if we have at least one hot actress to oogle in nearly ever movie out there.
Funniest movie of the year and it isn’t close.
The Amazing Spider-Man
The fact that this movie was forced to be made doesn’t give it the excuse to mercilessly rip off Batman Begins, completely misunderstand Peter Parker and botch the Uncle Ben death and subsequent motivation for Spider-Man.
Katy Perry: Part of Me 3D
Katy Perry is hot.
A movie that starts off weird and just gets weirder.
Ice Age: Continental Drift
The series should’ve stopped after the first one.
The Dark Knight Rises
I probably gave it too much praise in my initial review, but its still good enough that it doesn’t deserve all the scrutiny for not being as good as The Dark Knight.
Step Up Revolution
Serious question- who watches these?
It should’ve been funny but just wasn’t.
Proving that in all that time between A Time to Kill and now, Matthew McConaughey can still act.
Wasn’t as imaginative as the original, but anything with two hot actresses and Bryan Cranston gets a pass from me.
Beasts of the Southern Wild
I don’t care what Roger Ebert says; taking a bunch of non-actors, setting them in what looks like a scene from an upcoming Spike Lee documentary about Louisiana getting flooded (again) all while having an eight-year-old girl run around with fireworks, throw tantrums and awkwardly read scripted voiceovers is boring.
The Bourne Legacy
The directors were so obsessed about not having Matt Damon that they forgot to make a decent movie.
A laugh here and there, but a complete letdown considering Ron Burgundy and the fat guy from the The Hangover are on screen.
The Expendables 2
I’d say something bad, but I know somewhere Chuck Norris is reading this….
Surprisingly had a lot more to say about childhood bullying than most adult based films about the same topic.
If nothing else it gives me hope that Michael Shannon will be a fantastic General Zod in Man of Steel.
If you like Boardwalk Empire, you’ll enjoy this.
For a Good Time, Call…
Them bitches be hoes…
Resident Evil: Retribution
There have been 5 of these, people!
Finding Nemo 3D
Best Pixar offering for 2003…and 2012.
I’ve just never been crazy about Paul Thomas Anderson, so this just didn’t do it for me.
Given how horrible the trailers made it look, this was probably the biggest surprise of the year for actually being good.
House at the End of the Street
I can tell Jennifer Laurence singed onto this one before her career took off.
Trouble with the Curve
Guys, it’s time to admit that Justin Timberlake is legitimately talented.
It tried and failed to make a small personal theme be the root of a much bigger concept and the end result left me wanting a lot more.
If you keep buying it, they’ll keep finding new ways to repackage High School Musical.
Legitimate premise for a sequel but doesn’t come close to the original.
You know you’re a good movie when I can be on the edge of my seat for over an hour even though I already know the ending.
Here Comes the Boom
I really want Kevin James to start making more movies like this and less like Paul Blart.
You had me at Christopher Walken.
Pretty freaking scary.
So can we just agree Tyler Perry shouldn’t be apart of any movie?
Paranormal Activity 4
This is most likely going to become the new Saw franchise with yearly releases and downward slope in quality.
A movie that breaks the walls of gender, race and time to weave six tales into one great story.
Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
Yet another failed attempt and making videogames into film.
The best James Bond film, period.
Denzel Washington’s Oscar bait falls flat.
The Man with the Iron Fists
Goofiness aside, this was pretty badass.
Best animated film of the year, and the next Disney franchise to be on par with Toy Story.
Daniel Day-Lewis will take that Best Actor award now.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn- Part 2
Oh thank sweet Christ it’s over!
Life of Pi
This is one of many movies that were ruined for me by being forced to read the books back in high school, but it’s still okay.
Nothing more than a cheap cash-grab on a popular 80’s movie.
Rise of the Guardians
Look past the generic title and superficial cheapness of using characters like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny and you find a pretty good movie.
Killing Them Softly
Go watch Drive instead.
A sequel that nobody saw to a 2009 movie that nobody saw.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
A long awaited return to Middle Earth that doesn’t disappoint.
Couldn’t get over how at only 5’10” I’m still taller than Tom Cruise.
A truly fantastic movie with depth, meaning, violence, enigmatic acting by Christopher Waltz and an incredible tag team of villains in Leonardo Dicaprio and Samuel L. Jackson.
The best movie adaptation of a musical ever.
Happy New Year!
– Connor Casey